Dear future wife,
I wish I can call you by name. Such a terribly cold and lonely night and I am thinking of you. I wonder if you like to stay up late night or wake up early in the morning. I can’t even guess how you look like, what language you speak and what religion you profess. I wonder if you often think about me and are concerned about your career in the similar way. I wonder if you drink a lot of tea or prefer coffee. Well, I often try to cheat my mind by having hot water like I am doing now while writing this. I had too much of tea today. If you smoke a lot then I must tell you that too much smell of nicotine really puts me off. So never anticipate a kiss from me after smoking. Once I asked a crush of mine if she likes poets or philosophers. And she replied, “Poets”. I read Diwan-e Ghalib to impress her. I actually discovered the book those days and that generated my interest in poetry and other disciplines. I supplied her a lot of poetry. It worked for a while but not after I ran out of comprehensible stuff and she totally lost interest in me. Now i laugh at myself when I think of those days. I don’t want to say much but her car driver was earning more salary than I was. Anyway, I am a grown up man now and I don’t read to please anyone. I read like my life depends on it. And my life now depends on my PhD and the choices I will make in this period. Do you also often think that nobody understands you? And that is not easy to express the way you feel but the same time that helps you to have empathy for others? I have always found kind and intelligent woman extremely attractive and you must be the epitome of those qualities. I admit that I am not so clear about you. If you exist, you will uncondition me from one secretly held perception of mine that every woman I find attractive is attracted towards the other guy, who often seem to me either rich, or popular. I still do not underestimate myself too much. This letter is an example that my idealism is not dead yet. It will not die as long as I am reading good stuff, thinking better thoughts and friends around showering me with their love. I need a lot of improvement and i wish to learn from the qualities of the different people I meet. I try to understand what is likeable or interesting about them. Someone is energetic, someone is generous, someone is so well read, someone is so eloquent and someone is so focused on their work. Nothing is as encouraging as great qualities (that most of the 99 names of God also talks about) are visibly embodied in the people around you. I wish I can I incorporate those qualities in me. I have lot of interesting and secret experiences of mine to share with you as a single man looking for love. I understand money is important, but lusting after fame, money and power is not my style and I am sure yours not too.

Hope to see you in the future,
8/9 January 2019

To a close friend

Dear Rashid,

I’m writing this to you from a solitary place where I wander alone somewhere inside of you.

I thought of the importance of writing this to you, the moment I realized how your weirdness and discomfort with living is increasing with each day passing. Soon there will be an addition of one more year in your life. But I must say, you are still young; and since you are not doing anything that old people do, there is no reason to feel old! However, I am aware that, the feeling of aging is creating impatience within you.

You understand the importance of a six figure salary, but you are still not making any effort to earn even peanuts. I don’t know how long things are going to be like this, as your condition seems to me like a man who is sitting outside a house which is locked- but he is enjoying sights of the clouds, and hoping someday he will get inside but is not doing anything for it.

I observe you are always struggling with some kind of fear, which sometimes appear on your expressions, too- and how, with throbbing heart you look at the world. The world is nothing but a harsh reality for you, of living.

Sometimes you secretly laugh at people; those whose nature it is to show superiority, or their ideas of false happiness, cynicism, or arguments and fights over petty issues. On the other side, you have accepted that you are also one of them, and you can’t help it, being human- a flawed creature who does not know how to speak, is noncompetitive, not confident, and unfocused. When you look at the trajectory, all appears absurd, and you face the horror that you are not going to get what you want. Sadness is a part of your blood now. Death sometimes seems so obvious a choice, to kill the feeling of the dying of everyday.

You silently mourn everyday.. a death; a death of nothing but a part of you- a part which was a dreamer, and enthusiastic about life… Or maybe a part which was never born in you?

You wake up in the morning with the feeling of a caged man; a man without a language who wanted to talk; who is engraved in ground with only head outside to breathe.

Remember that your life is a battle. The struggle of a silent revolutionary who questions culture and ritual, whose life is nothing but an idea- an idea to destroy the structure of backwardness and obscurity with knowledge, with wisdom.

Always remember you are not alone. There are thousands who share this pain and suffering in someway or another. Happiness is nothing but to seek in others happiness, without anything in return. At this point of time, all I wish for you is confidence. A strong, confident Rashid Abbasi. A man who speaks the way he thinks. Who writes the way he thinks. Undoubtedly this letter is redundant and more pain and failures are waiting.


So lose in your own glorious way,

and die only after feeling that you lived.